Attack of the 300,000 pound infidels

On Wednesday we came one step closer to winning the war on whales.
It wasn’t easy. California liberals, blind to the threats from the leviathans, somehow got a law passed banning the use of mid-range sonar by the Navy. Their goal apparently is to “protect” the whales. Fortunately for those of us who want to continue to live the American dream, President Bush deemed the Navy exempt to the law and opened up the Pacific coast to some good old fashioned whale hunting.
The Navy likes using the high-powered sonar because it makes whale hunting, “like, more fun,” according to one seaman who wasn’t allowed to give his name because there is a temporary suspension of free speech for all active military. It’s a security thing.
But some California judge ruled the sonar, which is able to inflict disabling, debilitating pain and sometimes death, to all whales, especially the big ones, could not be used if the creatures were within a certain distance of the ship.
This obviously makes it impossible to kill the whales, since the sonar is most effective from up close.
The clever weapon hits the huge mammals where they are most vulnerable - their delicate echolocation system, which they use to communicate with other whale soldiers over long distances, possibly to plan attacks on democracy. Their sneaky submerged speech is also used to create battle songs of fury and rage. Some people say the songs sound peaceful. But no one knows for sure and this is no time to take chances. Lest we forget, there’s a war on.
The hearing of whales is many times more sensitive than our own. And the sonar is so powerful it’s been likened to standing too close to the speakers at a Weezer concert. In fact, the sonar is so strong it can fracture the tiny bone structure inside the whale skull. The resulting pain is believed to be more intense than anything ever felt by a human. According to scientists, the closest we can get is the sensation produced by watching an entire episode of the Tyra Banks Show.
Once struck by the sonar waves, the whales, unable to bear another moment of the agony, do the only thing they can to escape the pain. They beach themselves. Their huge skeletons collapse outside the water, but this is apparently a fate far more appealing than having their inner ears melted by our Navy’s freedom fighters. The weapon is so effective there have been reports of entire whale platoons committing suicide together.
Fortunately, President Bush acted swiftly. In an unusual move, he exempted the Navy from the environmental law enacted by the whale sympathizers in California, freeing things up for a week or two of organized whale killing.
Now there will be some who will argue against this strategy. They will say the weapon is cruel and unusual. They’re right, of course. What’s more cruel than attacking a creature’s delicate sense of hearing, one evolved over millions of years to allow communication throughout the vast oceans of the world? (There is evidence whales can communicate over a distace of 2,000 miles) And what’s more unusual than killing with sound waves? That’s next generation stuff.
But this isn’t some enemy combatant we’ve got sitting in a cell somewhere in the tropics. This is a 100 foot long, free thinking, large-brained, possibly agnostic, un-American creature that can capsize a boat with a flick of its fluke.
Anyone who thinks this isn’t an enemy to be taken seriously need only consider this: some whales, the Blue ones, are bigger even than the dinosaurs were. Are you gonna tell me we wouldn’t be out in force with Apache gun ships if a herd of T-Rexes trotted across Michigan?
Not only are these whales dangerous – just ask Jonah – but they are a threat to our way of life. In an age of orange alerts, anti-Christian behavior and shoe searching we need to be vigilant. We can’t just let some 300,000 pound thugs swim around international waters willy nilly (No reference to the stupid movie intended). It’s time to kill some whales; laws be damned.